I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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