the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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