We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize