well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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