I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
