I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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