sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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