My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
