sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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