Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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