he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
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