Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
