It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
