even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
