i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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