OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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