i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
