she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Best friends brother. Beat that.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
