You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
