I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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