I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize