Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
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