I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Two words: blizzard sex
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
