i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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