i jhust puked up my retainher.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
