one two three fourrrrnication!
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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