plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize