I cannot find my penis.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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