I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
