I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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