I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
