I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
