did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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