apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
