i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
3pm strippers are depressing
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize