I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Randomize
