bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
