Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
