What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
