i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
