Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
