It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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