The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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