Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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