I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
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