and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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