You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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