Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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