We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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