I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
