Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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