i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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