oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
