Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Actions speak louder than pants.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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