I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
