There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
this just has baby written all over it
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
