we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
