Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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