Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
