so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
