Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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