i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Farmville is her only friend.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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