Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
